The Performance of Wellness — Event Summary

Opening and Context

This was Chiije's first ever digital event — a milestone Chisom noted with excitement, describing Chiije as her "newest baby."  Chisom kicked things off with a brief personal intro — economist, entrepreneur, mother of two, founder of Chiije, a company that makes clean and natural home products, with simple ingredients, that are better for you, for your home, and better for the planet.

Guest speaker, Ruthie Semere, a certified executive leadership coach, speaker, community builder, and podcast host, introduced herself as a daughter of Eritrean immigrants, raised in Stockholm, who spent over a decade in corporate media in London before building her own coaching practice. She co-runs the Women of Color in Biz Network. 

What Does Wellness Actually Mean?

Chisom opened the real conversation by framing the goal: an honest discussion about wellness — who it's for, what it means practically, and how money connects to it. 

Ruthie said wellness, at its core, is being in an honest relationship with yourself — speaking truth to yourself, expressing rather than suppressing. She acknowledged she loves the wellness aesthetic on social media, genuinely enjoys it, but through her own experience of burnout and through being a Black woman navigating systems and structures, she understands that wellness is far deeper than going to the spa. It's about taking actions based on truth, not performing a version of wellbeing.

Chisom said she has never identified wellness with cucumber masks and massages. For her, wellness has always been manual work and labor. She has navigated mental health for most of her life and knows exactly what it takes for her to feel okay, to thrive. That includes setting boundaries,  not just with other people, but with herself, because she recognizes that in the past, she had done things that are not in her best interest, even when they are beneficial to others. She described wellness as a never-ending journey that keeps adapting. She said: "Sometimes I think I have it covered, and then a week later there's a loophole."

Rest — Why It Feels Like Something You Have to Earn

Chisom raised the idea that rest in today's world feels like something you earn through productivity — work hard, be productive, then you get the holiday.

Ruthie said this is conditioning, built into us from childhood, media, capitalism, and now social media, which demands you perform your productivity publicly. We are collectively indoctrinated in scarcity — the idea that there is not enough, and that maybe we are not enough. Rest as shown on Instagram is often superficial and falls flat when people are in genuine survival mode, or when their nervous systems are still operating from survival mode even if the external threat has passed. She asked: "Who is truly resting in this world? Who is truly well?"

She connected this directly to the event's theme: in her coaching work, she helps clients peel off layers of performance and she described performative elements of self as often being trauma responses. When you start removing the performance, you get to real honesty. And real honesty means acknowledging that mental health is an ongoing commitment, not a photogenic moment.

Chisom added that "rest is expensive." You need financial resources to rest. It's very difficult to rest when you owe rent, can't afford your bills, and are in debt. She reflected on her mother — a powerful, hardworking woman who controlled her time and her choices but was always building toward a promise of rest and something better for her children. Chisom said: "Rest is very expensive, and part of ourselves has to ask — am I worthy of a breath? Am I worthy of an exhalation?" This loops back into who we are performing wellness for, because what being well looks like for one person may be entirely different for another.

She noted that social media narrows the definition of wellness into a curated set of acceptable performances. She described grappling with this personally — being invited to go to The Well (a popular spa in Oslo), going, feeling relaxed, and then asking herself: did that actually help? Was that the work I needed to do right now? Sometimes the work of being well is opening a box of past trauma. Sometimes it's crying alone. She shared that last summer, she thought she was doing well, and then broke down in the shower for no apparent reason and realized she had more work to do.

Burnout — What It Really Is

Chisom asked Ruthie to define burnout, because it's something she doesn't personally fully identify with. She said she knows overwhelm, but burnout as a concept doesn't quite land for her in the same way imposter syndrome is not something she experiences, though she validates that this is a real experience for others. 

Ruthie described it from experience. She has a very strong mind — she could will her body to do things even when it was struggling. She did this through her early 30s, driven by the weight of being a daughter of refugees for whom failure was not an option. Then her body simply said no. She could not will it anymore. It was humbling. She described it as a progressive loss of energy — running on fumes until she finally had to break through the performative part of herself and say, "I'm not okay." But she also clarified that the cause of her burnout was not overwork; it was lack of alignment. She was not speaking truth to herself, not living in alignment in her relationships, with family, with culture. Ten years ago, she took an adult gap year — a whole year out of her career — despite everyone around her telling her she shouldn't. She had to learn how to be well. She didn't know how.

Ruthie said she now thinks of her life in two parts: before burnout and after. Burnout forced real honesty. She now leads with transparency in her coaching work because she has found that when someone leads with that level of honesty, it gives others permission to embrace their own humanness. She said: "A lot of us are not necessarily well behind the scenes. The more we bring that into shared spaces, the more we can help each other figure out what it means to be well on our own terms."

Are You Still Performing Wellness?

Chisom asked Ruthie directly. Ruthie said no — not anymore. But she noted that sitting with successful clients in confidential settings over seven years of coaching, she sees how much performance is happening for people who look like they have it together. That's why she is committed to talking honestly about the reality of the human experience rather than staying in the lane of good vibes and manifesting.

Chisom related this to hermit tendencies she has come to accept in herself — she has had to be radically honest with herself, even in the smallest things. She gave an example of feeling the pressure to go outside when the sun came out, especially living in Norway. And she had to say "no" when she didn't want to, even though it's what is expected. She needs to be honest about what she actually wants versus what she thinks she's supposed to want. 

Money: The Foundation of Wellness

Chisom said, "Oftentimes, wellness costs money. It's rarely free in the way we see it in the world." Chisom asked Ruthie the direct question: how much do you actually need to thrive?

Ruthie's answer was framed from the perspective of a single-income household and business owner: it depends on your situation (dual or single income, children, dependents, cost of living, age). Two years ago she would have said 6 months of salary saved. Today, with geopolitical instability, a disrupted job market, AI moving fast, she says a minimum of 12 months of monthly salary in a high-yield savings account she can't access casually. On top of that: all insurances in place — unemployment, sickness, life. And beyond that, money invested in index funds so it compounds and works for her while she isn't working. She said this financial foundation is what regulates her nervous system, allows her to be brave, take risks, be creative, and know she has a buffer.

Chisom's answer was framed from the perspective of a dual-income household, two kids, and being an employer: she aspires to 5 years of disposable income in savings. Before kids, her rule was to multiply what she thought she needed by 3 — if she needed 100,000 a year, she'd aim for 300,000 as a safety net, because aiming higher produces higher results. She wants to be in a financial position where she can say no, not because she feels righteous, but because she has the freedom to. She also challenged the idea of keeping too much in savings — even a high-yield account at 4% doesn't compete with index funds. She said her money should be working for her.

Chisom addressed a comment in the chat, who pushed back on the money discussion by naming the real contradiction: with low wages and high cost of living, saving feels impossible. Many feel they can't rest until they feel financially safe, which means they never rest. Chisom acknowledged this fully and said she doesn't want to invalidate that reality. But she offered a practical starting point: she prints out her bank statements every month and reviews every single line item down to the smallest purchase, asking what she didn't actually need. "You can start building savings habits with 100 kronas, 5 euros, $5. It won't change your life immediately, but over time in an index fund it compounds." She acknowledged this is itself a privilege depending on your situation, and shifted to planning: if you don't have a margin now, how do you change your situation? Make a plan that you can sustain - look for new opportunities, build something on the side, and say no more strategically.

Relationship with Money — Origin Stories

Ruthie: Her relationship with money is the best it's ever been. She was raised to work hard, always lived under her means, spent less than she earned. Corporate gave her a solid salary. Then she started a business and experienced income inconsistency for the first time, which taught her a lot. Her biggest shift came from a commitment at the start of the year to talk to everyone about money — friends, family, coaching clients. What she found was universal: money is the elephant in the room for most people. There is a widespread, elusive, tenuous relationship to it. Her origin story told her money is bad and people are greedy. She worked to make money "neutral" — not negative, not positive, just a tool for freedom: location freedom, time freedom, the ability to choose her clients, her hours, her impact.

Chisom: She pushed back on the idea of money as neutral. She said money is not neutral — it determines who you are in the world, how you show up, what you can and cannot do. She wants "stupid money" — not to be defined by money, but to have enough that it stops controlling or limiting how she moves, and the impact she wants to see in the world. She said she constantly rejecting the shame around wanting a lot of money. There is a cultural narrative that wanting wealth is greedy or morally wrong, but she pointed out that the people currently destroying the world have a lot of money, and good people need to aspire to wealth too, so they can use it to do good. She grew up with a mother who ran her own business, haggled at markets, always talked about money, she never had shame around the topic. As an employer, she is constantly thinking about it, because not making enough income doesn't just affect her, it could mean employees who depend on visas to remain in the country lose their jobs and their right to stay.

They found common ground: money is a tool, not an end in itself, and people doing genuinely good work in the world are too often broke — which limits the amplification of that work.

Values-Aligned Spending — Whose Labor Do You Pay For?

Chisom raised the question of whose unpaid labor we have benefited from, and challenged the audience to look at where they actually put their money. She asked Ruthie what reframe she had to make.

Ruthie said her mind goes immediately to Black women and women broadly — so much unpaid labor, so much invisible work. She shared a statistic that shifted her thinking: money circulates barely once in the Black community, whereas in other communities the same dollar circulates 6-7 times. That information made her strategic. Now her therapist is Black, her coaches are Black, her coach supervisors are Black, the person who does her hair, her eyebrows, her accountant. She actively looks for products and services that circulate money in communities she wants to empower. She noted that in Sweden, there are now at least 5 Black-owned brands making hair care products for textured and curly hair, and she no longer needs to import from the US or UK. She called out how easy it is to pay Spotify or Netflix without blinking while claiming you can't find Black-owned or small-business alternatives or pay asking price for brands owned by non-mass producing groups. 

Chisom echoed this. For the past 10 years she has been intentional — Black women, people of color, Indigenous communities, LGBTQ+, disabled communities, and women in general. She's willing to pay more and buy less. She mentioned a friend who called Chiije candles "expensive" — then Chisom visited her home and saw a well-known candle brand (that uses Paraffin) and also cost three times as much for less product. She connected this to a broader pattern: there is a persistent expectation that Black women, community leaders, and change-makers work for free or cheap, and when they put a price on it, there is resistance — while mainstream brands at premium prices feel justified. She also spoke about community organizers, friends who help freely, and her personal commitment to pay people at least partially, offer something in exchange, or at minimum acknowledge the value of the work even if she can't match it in full.

Ruthie reinforced the Chiije point directly: conventional candles contain toxins that are harmful to hormones, the endocrine system, fertility, children, and pets. Chisom is creating something clean and safe — that has a price, and supporting it is an act of true wellness, not performative wellness.

Community Q&A 

A participant raised a situation many in the room related to: what if you're in a situation you need to leave (a job, a setup), but you don't have the financial runway to do it?

Ruthie said she herself never planned to start a business — she started without infrastructure, driven by a desire to coach. With hindsight, most people start from passion or from running away from something. She encouraged thinking about building toward something rather than escaping from something. Build the infrastructure before you leave. Be kind to your future self. As a mother in an uncertain geopolitical and economic climate, having a buffer is more important than ever.

Chisom said: stay in the workplace and build on the side. She makes candles at 3AM. She plans months ahead — the foundation and marketing for her book coming at the end of the year is already being prepared now. Don't pull the plug without financial readiness. And when building on a budget, be brutally critical of every spend. Chiije is seventh company and she still spent money on things she didn't need — unnecessary photography, an early decisions she later regretted. Start frugally. Question every purchase. The fancy thing you think you need, you probably don't, not yet.

Ruthie added: financial survival mode kills creativity. When money runs out and you're still learning how your business works, it becomes nearly impossible to feel expansive and creative from a constricted place.

How to Stop Performing Wellness — The Tips

Ruthie's three:

1. Speak truth to yourself. Get accurate about yourself and the energetic exchange between what you give and what you receive. This requires genuine self-awareness.

2. Deconstruct your pleasing tendencies. Get curious about shame, blind spots, self-suppression, and conditioning around being selfless and over-giving. Ruthie identified herself as a recovering people-pleaser — it was a core driver of her burnout. Restoring this agency is crucial.

3. Get into a right relationship with money. Take charge of your finances. Build wealth as a platform for the expansive life you want to live and the impact you want to have.

Chisom's three:

1. Know your number. Write down how much you need to feel financially safe. Be honest and specific. The number should scare you a little — if it doesn't, you're playing too safe. Then build toward it. Financial clarity is the foundation for everything else.

2. Stop working for free. Your time, your expertise, your labor have value. If you don't name it, others will continue to undervalue it. The belief that free work leads to visibility is largely a trap.

3. Understand that rest is not earned. You deserve rest as a human being. Rest doesn't only mean sleep — it can mean saying no, even after you've said yes. The people who truly care about you want you to rest. Showing up for yourself first means you can show up better for everyone else.

Closing and What's Coming

Chisom thanked everyone and announced that Chiije plans to hold events bi-monthly on different topics. She and Ruthie then announced a joint project: a financial wellness and wealth-building series launching mid-June, structured as a peer learning experience. It will include frameworks from both Chisom and Ruthie, joint sessions, and practical tools for building wealth, owning your "big money desires," and unlearning the shame that keeps people from asking for what they need. Chisom's closing line: "Money's not the enemy. The people who don't want to give it to you are the problem."

Takeaways

On wellness: The real version is not glamorous. It's ongoing inner work, honest self-inventory, and sometimes sitting with discomfort rather than performing ease. Both Chisom and Ruthie shared examples — Ruthie's burnout, Chisom's shower breakdown — and both arrived at similar truths: wellness is personal, non-linear, and requires radical honesty with yourself about what you actually need versus what you think you should need.

On performance: Social media has created a narrow, curated, aspirational image of what it looks like to be well. Many people — including high-achieving, visible people — are performing wellness while struggling behind the scenes. Peeling back the performance is not a one-time event; it's a commitment.

On money and wellness: Financial insecurity and wellness are directly linked. You cannot fully rest when you are in financial survival mode. Building a financial foundation — savings, insurance, investment — is not separate from wellness; it is part of it. The nervous system responds to financial safety.

On money mindsets: Your relationship with money is shaped by your origin story, your family's story, your community's story. Naming that story, getting curious about shame and fear around money, and actively building a new relationship with it is core work, not peripheral.

On where your money goes: Intentional spending is a form of activism and community care. Circulating money within marginalized communities — Black women, women of color, small businesses, indigenous-owned, LGBTQ+-owned, women owned — is something that can be built as a practice, not a grand gesture.

On building while employed: Don't quit before you have a runway. Build at 2AM if you have to. Be frugal in the early stages. Question every expense. Financial survival mode blocks creative thinking — protect your ability to think expansively by keeping a buffer.

On free labor: Stop giving yours away and start paying for others'. Name your price. Insist on partial payment when you can't get full payment. Recognize whose labor you've consumed for free and make it right where possible.

On rest: You don't earn rest. You are entitled to it. Saying no if you are feeling spent, even when you've already said yes, this also counts as rest. Protecting your own energy is the condition that makes everything else possible.