Divorce is often described as the end of a marriage. But for many people, it is also the end of a shared home, familiar routines, financial stability, extended family relationships and a version of themselves they had learned to inhabit.
In a recent Chiije conversation, CEO, Chisom Udeze sat down with Elizabeth Sturdy, a career well-being coach based in Trondheim, Norway, to talk honestly about rebuilding after divorce: the shame that can accompany it, the practical reality of managing money alone, the grief of leaving an entire life behind and the slow process of learning to trust yourself again.
Elizabeth was clear from the beginning: she was not speaking from a place of having everything figured out. She was speaking from the “messy middle.”
When divorce feels like failure
Elizabeth began the conversation by sharing that her divorce happened alongside another major life transition. Two years before leaving her marriage, she had left teaching and begun building her own business.
She was already asking difficult questions about work, identity, family and the expectations she had lived by for years. Then another realisation became impossible to ignore: while she was building a life around empowerment and helping other women, she did not feel empowered at home.
For Elizabeth, part of the difficulty of divorce was the belief that marriage was something she was supposed to make work.
“I definitely didn’t have that plan,” she said of divorce. “You get married, and then you stay together.”
That expectation was shaped by religion, social conditioning, perfectionism and the desire to be the person who did things correctly. Even when leaving was the right decision, it did not immediately feel like one.
She still wondered: Could I have done more? Should I have tried harder? Did I fail?
Over time, therapy helped her begin to see the relationship differently. The marriage had ended for valid reasons. Both people had been imperfect. Both had tried with the tools they had at the time.
Rebuilding, for her, meant learning to offer her past self compassion rather than punishment.
Listening to your own voice again
One of the most powerful moments in the conversation came when Elizabeth described the question that helped her begin choosing herself:
“Do I have to be here, or do I want to be here?”
Before applying that question to her marriage, she had already begun using it in other parts of her life: her relationship with church, her family dynamics and her career.
Slowly, she began paying attention to what nourished her and what depleted her. She noticed the difference between remaining somewhere because it was familiar, expected or socially approved, and remaining because it was genuinely right for her.
Leaving did not begin with one dramatic decision. It began with recognising that she had options.
A friend offered her a spare bedroom. That small act of support created space for Elizabeth to step away, sleep somewhere else and listen to what she actually wanted.
Sometimes rebuilding begins long before the boxes are packed. It begins with permission: permission to question, to pause and to admit that surviving something is not the same as choosing it.
Divorce and money: learning what had been delegated
The conversation then turned to one of the most practical and often most difficult parts of separation: money.
Elizabeth shared that, during her marriage, she had delegated much of the financial management. She had not been controlled or deliberately excluded from accounts; she simply had not been actively involved. Between being supported as a student and becoming married, she had only experienced a short period of fully independent financial life.
When divorce became a possibility, she had to begin at the beginning.
She found an opportunity to speak with a lawyer and prepared by gathering her timeline and finances. That meant logging into accounts she had not accessed in years, finding passwords, understanding where the money was and working out what their shared life actually cost.
She also had to confront an uncomfortable reality: her business income was not yet sufficient to support the life she needed to build independently.
Instead of allowing that information to defeat her, Elizabeth used it as a turning point. She began taking her business more seriously, charging more appropriately and seeking practical support.
She spoke with a financial adviser. She contacted the tax office. She called her bank. She created spreadsheets. She began logging into her accounts regularly rather than avoiding them.
“I am in charge of my money,” she said.
That did not mean everything suddenly became easy. She moved into an apartment she could afford on one income, realised it was not right for her, found another place with a flatmate and later faced another move.
Steady ground was still being built. But her relationship with money had shifted. She was no longer outside her own financial life.
Financial independence is not a sign of distrust
Elizabeth also offered an important reflection for people in relationships, whether or not separation is part of their story.
She compared shared financial responsibility to co-parenting: when two adults build a life together, both should understand how that life is financially supported.
This is not about assuming a relationship will fail. It is about recognising that illness, death, job loss, separation or other major changes can happen. Knowing where your money is, how bills are paid and what financial decisions are being made is not a rejection of trust.
It is a form of care.
The conversation highlighted how easily women, in particular, can become distanced from financial decision-making, whether because of social expectations, convenience or the belief that one partner is simply “better” with money.
But financial knowledge is not something anyone should have to acquire for the first time in the middle of grief.
Rebuilding after divorce can be hard enough without also having to rebuild financial confidence from scratch.
You do not only divorce a person
When an audience member asked whether divorce meant losing more than a spouse, Elizabeth’s answer was immediate.
“You’re not just divorcing one person,” she said. “You’re divorcing the ecosystem.”
For her, one of the deepest losses was her relationship with her former partner’s family. She had been close to them. Even after the marriage ended, the care did not simply disappear.
She described moments such as Mother’s Day, wondering whether she should still send flowers to someone who had mattered greatly to her, even though she was no longer part of that family in the same way.
There was also the loss of having a partner in the daily practical sense: someone to share bills, make dinner, organise life and hold some of the weight.
Independence can feel freeing and exhausting at the same time.
That complexity is important. Divorce does not need to have been the wrong choice for someone to grieve what was lost.
Creating a home that feels like yours
For Elizabeth, rebuilding also became visible through her home.
After leaving the house she had built with her former partner, she found joy in decorating differently: more flowers, more colour, more femininity, more of the things that felt unmistakably hers.
She hosted dinner parties in her own way. She enjoyed making decisions about her environment without negotiation.
There was liberation in having a space that reflected her.
But even home was not a simple story of renewal.
She described the small, unexpected reminders that she was still rebuilding: realising she owned only two towels because she had left behind objects associated with painful memories; moving again; accepting that the stability of a shared home was gone.
Sometimes starting over is not one grand transformation. Sometimes it is realising you need another towel.
It is building safety and comfort piece by piece.
At Chiije, we often speak about home as more than a physical space. Home can be a place of restoration, intention and care. In Elizabeth’s story, creating a home of her own became part of creating a life of her own.
What happens to identity after divorce?
Divorce can unsettle the question: Who am I now?
For Elizabeth, that question appeared in many forms. Who was she without the marriage? Who was she outside the expectations she had spent years meeting? Who did she want to be in friendship, work, home and love?
Chisom reflected on how easily identity can merge within relationships. A person can become someone’s wife, someone’s partner or part of a shared unit, while losing track of where they locate themselves individually.
Rebuilding after divorce is not about returning to exactly who you were before the relationship. It can be an opportunity to meet who you are now.
For Elizabeth, that has meant becoming less filtered. As a coach, she had spent years helping others navigate change, identity and well-being. Going through divorce required her to use those same tools herself.
She had to accept grief. Accept changing energy levels. Ask for help. Tell the truth about what she was experiencing.
And, increasingly, stop overthinking every part of herself before allowing it to be seen.
Dating again: practising honesty instead of perfection
When the conversation moved to relationships after divorce, Elizabeth spoke openly about dating again.
Initially, she told herself she would not date for at least a year. But eventually, she began wondering whether remaining single for longer was necessarily the only path to healing.
Rather than approaching dating as a search for immediate certainty, she decided to treat it as a practice in honesty.
After first dates, she journalled about how she felt, how she had shown up and whether she actually wanted to see the person again. She questioned the habit of continuing simply because someone was nice, or because dating seemed to come with a prescribed next step.
She began asking different questions:
How do I feel around this person?
Am I being myself?
What do I actually want?
Am I speaking honestly when something feels wrong?
For Elizabeth, a healthy relationship after divorce is not defined by knowing exactly where it will end. It is defined by the ability to be truthful with herself and with the person in front of her.
When asked what love means to her now, her answer was simple:
“Love is honesty.”
When children are involved, peace still matters
The audience also raised questions about children, changing homes and the fear of disappointing them when a family’s lifestyle changes after divorce.
Although Elizabeth did not have children within her marriage, her perspective was that children do not only need the appearance of stability. They need parents who are well, calm and able to offer peace. When two parents cannot create a peaceful home together, she reflected, two homes may ultimately be healthier than one home filled with unhappiness and tension.
Chisom also shared her own experience of growing up with parents who separated. In her particular context, separation brought relief because she had witnessed how unhappy they were together.
There is no single experience of divorce for families or children. But the conversation made room for an important truth: staying together is not always the only version of care.
Support can be practical, emotional and ordinary
Throughout the conversation, one theme returned again and again: do not rebuild alone.
Elizabeth spoke about the importance of friends who had gone through divorce themselves, people she could message when she felt confused or overwhelmed and resources that reminded her she was not uniquely broken.
Sometimes that support came from close friends. Sometimes it came from a lawyer, therapist, coach, bank adviser or financial planner. Sometimes it came from podcasts and books listened to alone while cooking in her kitchen.
Support did not erase the difficulty, but it interrupted the isolation.
Her final message to anyone currently navigating divorce was direct:
“Don’t do it alone.”
Call the bank. Text the friend. Speak to a lawyer. Find a therapist or coach if that is accessible to you. Listen to the podcast. Ask the questions. Let someone sit beside you while you rebuild.
Rebuilding does not have to look finished to be meaningful
At the end of the conversation, Elizabeth did not claim that everything was resolved.
She was still navigating her finances. Still moving homes. Still learning new relationship patterns. Still processing grief.
But she was also proud. Proud that she had left what no longer felt right. Proud that she had learned to access her money. Proud that she had found support. Proud that she was building a home, a business and a life that reflected her more honestly.
Rebuilding after divorce is not necessarily about becoming a completely new person overnight. It may be about returning to yourself gradually. Learning your finances. Choosing your home. Mourning what mattered. Speaking honestly. Accepting help. Letting peace become something you are allowed to want.
And recognising that a life changing shape is not the same as a life falling apart.
A Resource Elizabeth Recommends
During her rebuilding journey, Elizabeth found comfort and support in The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, which explores the emotional and practical realities of divorce, healing and beginning again.
Key Takeaways
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Divorce is not only the end of a relationship; it can be the loss of an entire life structure.
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Leaving can be an act of self-trust, even when it comes with doubt. Grief and liberation can exist at the same time.
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Financial awareness is essential, whether you are single, married, separated, or divorced.
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Identity after divorce is not about returning to who you were before. It can be an opportunity to discover who you are now, outside old expectations and roles.
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Healthy love begins with honesty. Being truthful with yourself about what you need, how you feel and what no longer works can shape healthier relationships going forward.
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Support systems help people feel less alone in the rebuilding process.
This conversation was hosted by Chiije as part of our event series on mental health and radical self-care.
Elizabeth and Chisom are available to connect directly on LinkedIn if something in this conversation stayed with you and you'd like to continue it. Elizabeth has some opening for clients interested in coaching. Please reach out to her to discuss further.
If you are struggling, please reach out to a mental health professional or someone you trust. You do not have to carry it alone.